It feels awkward starting a post after it’s been so long. Too long. It’s hard to know where to begin! I guess I can start by saying that the past few months have been a little nutty. Not in the ‘we’re so busy’ type of nutty, but just… crazy. Moving the day after the wedding was intense. A 14-hour car drive is no joke, especially when you’re very, very sleep deprived. Living on a military base in a hotel for three months–also an adventure. Not a particularly glamorous one (barbed wire fences are not the most romantic), but definitely something out of the ordinary.

We lost lots of room keys, washed lots of dishes in our bathroom sink, ate lots of takeout, wore lots of warm clothing (CT winter is not my friend), and spent lots of time in close proximity (‘space’ isn’t a luxury you get much of in a hotel room).

It was a good experience. (I think that’s what you’re supposed to say about things you never want to do again). It was good for us beginning our marriage, we learned a lot about being a team and doing life together–especially since we hardly knew anyone and were sharing a car. It was good for me to see all the things I can live without–even if I prefer not to. It was good to realize how important family/community is, and how important that we not take them for granted. I got very homesick. Like extremely. I also have never had a high tolerance for cold/gray weather and with so many things being shut down still, plus Stephen’s restrictions while training, it was a recipe for ‘no fun.’

Of course, as hard as at was sometimes, we did have fun. We played board games (I’m getting very good at losing to Stephen), we spent time with another couple who was there with us, and got to know a few local missionaries who welcomed us with open arms and some lovely charcuterie. The area we were in was actually quite beautiful. There was a tiny retreat center called Ender’s Island that we frequented a whole lot. It felt like a home away from home.

The best part was Stephen’s schedule, he worked about three hours a day. It was a most dramatic change from the 12-hour-changing-shifts-every-week-no-weekends work week that he had back in Charleston, and it was such a gift to have so much free time together. The military is certainly ‘feast or famine’ that way.

About the middle of February Stephen finished training and we began a month-long road trip to Florida where we are now stationed. Stephen was given several weeks off so we were able to stop and see family on the way. This was especially welcome as we had not been able to see anyone for the holidays.

We did a tiny honeymoon in Rhode Island first, then hit NYC to visit Stephen’s sisters, then went skiing in VA with Stephen’s family and some family friends (lesson: Miranda is not a skier), then back to Stephen’s parents’ home, then to Raleigh, NC to visit Stephen’s aunt and uncle as well as my sister, then Augusta to see Stephen’s brother and his family, then back to NC for my sister’s wedding and finally, to Charleston (the promised land) where we stayed a week before emptying the storage unit we had rented there and driving down to Florida.

It was a lot. It was wonderful to see people we loved, but also difficult to live out of suitcases and be on the road for so long. All of this was exacerbated by the fact that I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and experiencing some SERIOUS nausea.

So yeah, we’re expecting!

I’m sure some people will be alarmed at how soon it is, we got pregnant after only two months of marriage. I think having kids has unfortunately gone out of style somewhat, especially if you’re young. But we did think and pray about it beforehand. Stephen was enthusiastic, I a little more hesitant, but overall we were on the same page.

It has been a doozie, that’s for sure. Considering my own mom had such a difficult time with her pregnancies (EXTREMELY thankful to be alive), I should have realized that this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. But I’ve still been overwhelmed by the number and intensity of the symptoms that accompany these nine months. Like, big time.

The nausea is the worst–especially when it means getting sick–but none of it is particularly fun. And many of the symptoms were unexpected, which is not the kind of surprise you want. A surprise birthday party is the good kind of surprise; fatigue, headaches, bleeding gums, loss of appetite…those are not good surprises.

I’ve felt very harassed by all these changes–Stephen has heard me complain more than I’d like to admit. But it is a lot. It’s a sort of stripping of many of the things you take for granted: feeling well, control over your body, control over the way you look, energy… it’s hard. And I’ve wrestled with that quite a bit. Why does it have to be this way? Sometimes it feels like I’m being punished for being a woman, so I get upset and feel resentful. It seems so unfair. And to be honest, I don’t have a good answer for that. I’m sure other, wiser women do–and I’m hoping that will be revealed to me in time–probably in about five months.

What’s more, it’s sad to say that I realized a lot of what contributed to my sense of identity up until now was pretty inconsequential. Things such as my weight, how much exercise I’m doing, what I’m eating, how productive I am…I didn’t realize what a hit it would be to my sense of self-worth when these things changed–but boy has it been a slap in the face. It hit me that I saw my place in society based on being young, single, not pregnant…now I feel as though I don’t quite have a place. I’m just…a pregnant lady. Not desirable. Not valued as far as most people are concerned.

It’s all very messy–and not objectively true of course. And I’m certainly not proud of having these thoughts. But I also don’t think I’m the only woman to have ever wrestled with this.

The advice I have received thus far that I have found the most helpful thus far came from the confessional: ‘you’re thinking about yourself too much.’

It sounds harsh, but it was incredibly freeing. I think I’ve been so focused on how poorly I’ve been feeling that all other joy/goodness was hidden from my bitter eyes. I imagine it’s normal when you’re not feeling well to have a hard time focusing on other things, but I’m hoping that the more I try, the easier it will become. Someone else described this season as a ‘moral bootcamp’ in which you begin to learn the self-denial needed in parenthood. I think there’s a lot of truth to that, but it does require an act of the will to accept the difficulty instead of resisting it every step of the way. I’m not sure I’m there yet. Maybe that’s why we get nine months of this instead of two weeks’ notice that a baby is arriving.

At the very least I can say that this process has opened my eyes to some character flaws of mine and areas of growth–so I guess I’m getting somewhere.

Stephen left for his first deployment a few weeks ago. It came out of the blue, we found out he was leaving the same day he had to report to the boat. He is only supposed to be gone a short stint, but I found out since he left that he is getting delayed indefinitely.

This has been my first dose of being a military wife and I have to say it is not for the faint of heart. When I share about the difficulty, the most common response seems to be: “well this is what you signed up for!”. Which I guess is true in the regard that I chose to marry Stephen, who was already in the military, but that doesn’t really help me feel any better about the situation. It is hard. Missing him and not knowing when he is coming back is definitely a source of pain and anxiety. On the other hand, it is a good reminder of the fact that I’m not owed Stephen, his presence in my life is pure gift, and not something I am entitled to.

I think the best advice I’ve received has come from my baby sister: “use this time to work on you.” It may sound a little trite but it has made me take a step back and consider all the areas of my life that could use improvement (and there are many), as well as allowing me the space to work on them. I want to be a better person when he gets back, and that has motivated me and helped this time feel more meaningful. It doesn’t stop me from wishing his name would pop up on my phone every time I check it, but it helps.

So yeah, a crazy start to married life and to 2021. But so, so much to be grateful for. It feels so good to have a place of our own here in Florida. We haven’t explored too much–mostly due to my persisting lousy-feeling-ness–but the warm weather has been a wonderful introduction. I’m also excited to meet our baby in October, it doesn’t feel quite real yet, but seeing tiny dresses hung up in the nursery has certainly added to the anticipation.

I hope the Spring is bringing some ‘dearest freshness deep down things’ into your life.

In all sincerity,

Miranda