Navigating mom guilt + balancing home/work/mom responsibilities

A few months ago someone asked when I get housework done. Specifically, she wanted to know if I do those types of tasks while Monica is up.

When I told her that I get 99% done while Monica is running around (with a few exceptions), I could feel her frustration in the response I got: “I just need to get my act together.”

Something I’ve noticed in some of the younger moms I spend time with is a feeling that they need to give 100% of their attention to their little ones 24/7. Of course, our kids want our attention so they may fuss or even cry until they get that—which only drives this point home even more.

Furthermore, If we try to get something like laundry, dishes, etc. done while our baby/toddler is up and then they interrupt us, we might get frustrated—enter #momguilt.

This in turn makes us feel like we really shouldn’t try to get other things done except during nap time.

Probably my type A personality made me challenge this viewpoint pretty much from day one of Monica’s life. Neglecting all my other household duties during most of the day felt off to me and I sought to figure out a way to make it work.

Something that reinforced my suspicion that I could, in fact, work on other things while Monica was awake, was this timely reel from Jen Fulwiler.

Her bottom line is this: moms have always been working moms. Up until the past 100 years or so, something like getting food on the table looked very different than it does today. As Jen puts it, they had to turn the chickens into chicken nuggets. (lol).

Basically, running a house is a serious undertaking that can’t be accomplished in one daily 2-hour session. Although today we have modern appliances and delivery options etc. that make tasks more efficient, we still have a long list of things that need to get done if we want our homes to stay clean, be comfortable, and run smoothly.

While ensuring our children are loved and safe is our primary responsibility, it is by no means our only one. And if you feel like there’s not enough time in the day, or if you are frazzled by how much there is to do and unhappy with the state of your home, something needs to change. It doesn’t have to be this way.

I have found that housework is actually super compatible with keeping an eye on Monica. Computer work, on the other hand, not so much. This is why my goal is to get as many of my household chores while she is awake and save computer or phone tasks for her naps. So far, this has worked remarkably well. Of course, there are off days like when Monica is sick and more clingy than usual. But for the most part, I am happy with what I can accomplish in a day—while being present to and spending time with my sweet little girl.

If you want to get a few more household tasks while your babies/toddlers are running around—here is what I recommend trying. Remember to be patient, it takes time to make any change—especially when it involves other people!

ONE: Start ASAP.

I’m not really sure when the post-partum season officially ends. But pretty much after Stephen went back to work, I started using the swing to keep Monica in while I (SLOWLY) got back into housework. The sooner you can start this, the better. The reason is that you want to accustom your baby to entertaining him/herself from day one.

I have a small, open-concept home. So it was easy for me to keep an eye on baby and visit her in between tasks without moving her around too much. If your home is bigger, you’ll have to get used to bringing the little one into wherever you’re working. I wasn’t a baby-wearer but I know that works for some people.

Once Monica was mobile, I learned to keep all the doors shut except the one that goes to her nursery. Obviously, when she was really little I would ensure we were in the same room all the time. However, once she got a little older, I felt comfortable letting her play in her nursery by herself. This is because I have completely “baby-proofed” that room. I also check in every few minutes!

If your little one is already accustomed to you playing with them most of the time, this is going to be a transition. My recommendation would be to start a few minutes at a time. Decide to do one task while your child is up—they may cry or fuss because you’re not giving them the attention they are used to. That is okay. As long as your child is safe, you do not need to stress that they are temporarily unhappy.

No one likes change, so it makes sense that they will resist. Just do your best to get through one task. Do this for a few days/a week or so and then try for two tasks. Slowly build up to the point that you are less overwhelmed/your little one is content entertaining themselves most of the time. This is possible, I promise.

TWO. Expect interruptions.

My temperament is extremely task-driven. This has presented a significant challenge to me as I learn to get things done with a baby. I am certainly guilty of losing my temper because I was unable to finish ‘this one thing.’

I’ve realized that the more I expect to be interrupted, the less I mind the interruptions when they actually take place. Sometimes I can get done everything I wanted to, sometimes I can’t. If you’re like me, you’re probably going to lose your temper from time to time. This doesn’t mean you’re bad or doing something wrong in trying to balance all your responsibilities. It just means there is room for growth. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t get upset when your little one takes you away from your task for the umpteenth time. In an imperfect world, you might get upset, repent, and try to do better next time.

THREE. Plan ahead.

If you know in advance what you’re going to do when you’re going to be a heck of a lot more efficient. What would happen to me when I first started doing more chores while Monica was up, is I wouldn’t know where to start. Just trying to prioritize everything and work through the overwhelm would take up a chunk of time.

As nerdy as this may sound, I started making a plan for what rooms I would tackle on which days. I also put cleaning supplies in both bathrooms to make my job easier. If you can take five minutes to make a list of the chores you want to accomplish and decide what needs to be done first, this will help you make the most of your time and not suffer from analysis paralysis.

FOUR. Toddler Control

I have a basket of toys in most of the rooms in our home. This means that cleaning up is easier because if she leaves toys out in those rooms all I have to do is toss them in the basket. The second reason I do this is to offer some sort of entertainment while I work around little m. This doesn’t work perfectly. She definitely goes for things that aren’t toys and gets things out that I don’t want her to. One of the things I’ve had to come to terms with is that as I work on one task, Monica will be causing some level of disorder on the other side of the room.

While this may sound totally counterproductive (and sometimes it really feels that way), I’ve embraced it as part of the process. Cleaning the house is done one task at a time. As long as I focus on the task at hand, I get less discouraged by whatever Monica is doing. And usually, it only takes me an extra couple of minutes to straighten up whatever she takes out.

I was reluctant to do this, but we did put child safety locks on all the cabinets which has made my life a lot easier.

Finally, I would recommend considering getting a housekeeper to come, if not regularly, every once in a while. This is SO so helpful in catching things that we don’t notice because we’re so close to the situation all the time. This also gives you a fresh start and can work wonders for your mental/emotional health. I realize this can be a big expense, but making a sacrifice in a different part of the budget to make this happen (at least occasionally!) really is SUCH a game-changer.

There’s no such thing as a perfectly clean house. That’s not the goal. Even when people come over because we’re hosting some event, there’s at least one room (that conveniently has the door shut) that is messy.

The goal is to have a home where you can feel peaceful (generally speaking). This doesn’t mean magazine-worthy. I certainly don’t have this all figured out. Especially since I will now be adjusting to this all over again with TWO little ones. But this is what has helped me so far and maybe will help you too!

In camaraderie,

Miranda Kate