Today my 81-year-old grandmother who has recently been diagnosed with cancer for the fifth time sat me down and said to me: 

You are the prize—and you need to act like it.

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Does it really matter? 

Who initiates, who texts first, who asks, who says it first, who pays, who brings it up…

Does it?

I have turned this question over in my head for years now. Obviously for my own reasons, but also with friends. Isn’t that often what ‘girl talk’ consists of? Boys, how we feel about them and how they may or may not feel about us?

Do we wait to respond, what if they haven’t gotten back to us, he said this but what if he meant this, he did this but not this…coming down to the heart of it all, the burning question: 

Does he want me?

Does he?

We wonder, we wait, we ask, we think, we hope, we despair…the emotional rollercoaster (aka emoticoaster) takes us for a wildly unpleasant ride as we grapple with this dilemma.

On one hand, I never want relationships to be a game. They’re not one and we should never treat them as such. On the other hand, there is clearly something important about this back and forth…otherwise we wouldn’t give it so much time and energy. But we do, so why?

I tried to convince myself it didn’t matter. Before a former boyfriend and I started dating, we were friends, or ‘talking’ (I hate that term) for months before.

He was far away and we weren’t sure if he would end up where I lived. So, after several months of mostly texting and one or two phone calls…I got fed up with not knowing exactly what we were and what he wanted and told him how I felt. 

Jeepers

I said that if he wanted to be ‘just friends’ that was fine, but that I needed to take a step back for my own emotional well-being.

He responded that he wasn’t sure, he hadn’t considered the possibility of starting a long-distance relationship when we had only met in person once or twice and with so much uncertainty still hanging over his future. I was crushed, but also understood. 

He took some time to think about it and eventually we did start dating long-distance happily. It was a super fun time. The travel, the anticipation, exploring new (to me) cities, meeting each other’s friends and family…

But.

It didn’t take too long for me to second guess this decision. I wanted to know that he wanted me, the relationship, us. And you might think ‘well he was dating you so obviously he did’, which is true! However, I’ve come to the conclusion that a woman’s heart needs to be won over, not merely accepted.

I made an offer which he said yes to, and it wasn’t enough. 

We know that an instrumental part of our femininity is our receptivity. I don’t think that this quality is only physical. I think that it is also emotional, intellectual, spiritual…we are built to receive.

Receive what?

Protection, affection and love.

Love itself has three aspects: fondness, desire and benevolence (Wojtyla, 1981). 

As women, our receptivity requires something to be received, in other words, something to be given to us.

But often, as I did, we don’t receive, we aren’t given—we take. And that small distinction makes all the difference. It goes against our nature. We are inherently receptive, made to be loved, yet we override this crucial aspect of ourselves out of impatience, frustration or sometimes sheer desperation.

There was so much doubt, uncertainty, wondering, calculating…I was stressed and anxious trying to answer a question I should never have had to ask in the first place: Does he want me?

Part of man’s responsibility as the one who leads is to ensure the woman knows she is wanted by him. He eradicates the question of our desirability with how he pursues us. 

If you don’t believe me, recall that age old tale of the young hero who goes through hellfire to win the princess. 

Cliché, yes. But many clichés reveal a truth about human nature.

We are soothed by these sorts of stories – especially as children who have yet to be influenced by our culture – because something about them feels right and good and true.

Women ache for someone to prove that she was right all along about her worth; that all the difficulties in the world won’t stop him from coming for her—because of her goodness, her beauty and her great dignity.

So yes, it does matter. Don’t try to tell yourself you don’t mind asking him out, texting him first, getting his number, saying ‘I love you’ before him, if it’s not true.

What it means to pursue will look different, it isn’t cookie cutter. Think about what you want from a guy. Not just in a man (strength of character, intelligence, sense of humor etc), but from a man. Before giving yourself away to someone (as we so long to do), it is important to ask: is he strong enough to hold me—the entirety of me, for the rest of my life? 

What will it take for you to feel valued, appreciated, desired? 

Fear is a convincing liar, but undoubtedly we all are better off on our own than with someone who does not want to be with us—wholeheartedly and without reservations. 

And as with the case of the hero who conquers dragons to meet the princess, desire needs to be tested. It is not enough for them simply to want, not when something is worth fighting for.

Don’t settle.

Desirability is not a superficial, disordered or somehow unhealthy concept; it is an essential part of love. 

We want to be wanted for a reason, it’s not silly, it’s part of our identity: loved.

As a favorite insta post of mine goes: Don’t be the chaser. Be the one who is chased. You are the tequila, not the lime. 

“A man is vexed by closeness and she is vexed by the depths of her worth”
AB